


i give up all i had (just to breathe)

by rafidesuyo



Series: it's my heartbeat (i'm feeling so alive) [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Brendon centric, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, this is dark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-08
Updated: 2016-05-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 03:08:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6782857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafidesuyo/pseuds/rafidesuyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But then he tells himself, if Ryan’s a building, then he’s a beautifully-structured building. And then Brendon would be the foundation, which means he has to be strong, or else, Ryan will break.</p><p>He doesn’t want Ryan to break.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i give up all i had (just to breathe)

**Author's Note:**

> So, yeah. This fic might be pretty dark and triggering, so if this is not your piece of fic, you might like to back away now. And there might be the abuse usage of the word "sometimes".
> 
> Also, title is from Secondhand Serenade. This works is unbeta-ed, so any grammar mistakes (I know there's so many) are mine.
> 
> Enjoy!

Brendon knew it from the first time they met.

Sure, he’s not a psychologist or something; he’s just an ordinary, not-cool music student. But he knew how a broken man looks like, how their eyes looks like, so when Spencer introduced him to Ryan Ross one day and their eyes met, Brendon just _knows_.

He never mentioned that he knows, though.

-x-

Brendon knows that Ryan had stopped doing _it._

Although the younger man doesn’t know when he started to stop, but he knows that Ryan stopped. And that, actually, made him felt relieved.

And sure, Brendon never mentioned about _it_ to Ryan, no matter how much he wanted to. Sometimes, when they lie down together on the bed, he wanted to tell Ryan that he knows, but at what cost? After all, Ryan had stopped, and he seemed happy enough. What if, at the mention of _he knows_ , Ryan would start to do that again?

So he kept quiet, and pretending he doesn’t know.

-x-

It only stayed for a few months before Ryan did it again.

Brendon knows, he knows, and he felt sick, but he doesn’t know what to do.

Every time he tried to mention it to Ryan, he felt his eyes burn with tears, and he couldn’t breathe. And he couldn’t— _shouldn’t_ be the one crying; so he didn’t ask.

He keeps pretending that he doesn’t know what Ryan was doing.

Still, he tried his best to be whatever Ryan needs.

-x-

Sometimes Brendon thinks; who is the selfish one? Is it him, or Ryan?

Sometimes when Ryan wasn’t there with him, or when he wasn’t there with Ryan, his mind started to wander. This is kind of distracting, because most of the thoughts appeared when he was in a class, and it’s going to lead him to fail all of his classes, really.

Sometimes he thinks; why does Ryan want to die? What made him depressed? What leads him to _this?_

There were so many questions; so many that Brendon doesn’t have the answer of. All he knows is that he wanted Ryan to stop, but would that make him the selfish one, if it was the way Ryan escape from his problems?

Brendon doesn’t want to be the selfish one.

He wants too— _needs_ to be the stronger one, so he tried to.

-x-

Now that Ryan started to do it again, the atmosphere around them grew heavy.

Sometimes, they would sit side by side or in the dining room, eating together, when Ryan grew silent. As if he was thinking about something. About the _thing_ that made him wants to die. And when it happened, _every single time_ it happened, Brendon felt the stinging feelings of tears forming in his eyes, and tried to blink it out. Every time it happened, breathing felt difficult, but he couldn’t break down.

(He promised himself to be the stronger one.)

Sometimes Brendon would ask Ryan what’s up, about what’s bothering Ryan’s mind, and most of times Ryan would tell him that he’s fine. On rare occasions, Ryan would tell him that he doesn’t feel okay, but he doesn’t tell Brendon what made him feel like that.

So Brendon didn’t ask, didn’t push, and didn’t tell him that he knows about something else that probably Ryan thinks he doesn’t know.

But sometimes the older man was reckless; reckless enough to forget to clean up the bathroom after he does it. Sometimes Brendon walked in to the bathroom, to take a piss, and his eyes land on the small cutter on the corner of the sink, and his heart breaks a little. Breathing became a little bit too hard. Sometimes, it’s just lying there and it was clean, but most of times, there’s small specks of blood there.

Whenever he’s in the bathroom and he sees it, he cries. Inside the bathroom, Ryan couldn’t know that he’s not strong enough, so he allowed himself to cry there.

Brendon’s not strong enough to not cry. And he curses himself for that.

-x-

Sometimes, when Ryan was sleeping and reckless enough to let the scars show, Brendon’s mind wanders. Sometimes, he wonders if Ryan knows that he’s not strong as well. Sometimes, he wonders if Ryan knows that sometimes, he wants to stab himself in the gut, or jump down from the stairs, or just pretending to fall on the road and let a truck run over him.

Brendon wonders if Ryan knows that deep down inside, he’s as broken as Ryan is.

-x-

“I love you,” Ryan breathed into Brendon’s skin one day.

Brendon blinked, and wonders, did he really love him, if he keeps hurting himself like that, if he still wanted to leave the world? Does he know that it will hurt Brendon way much more if he keeps that up or he dies?

“I love you too,” Brendon said instead, cheering himself for sounding so strong and steady, unlike a little boy that wants to cry.

-x-

Brendon’s mind wouldn’t stop to think about things. Which were actually unnecessary, but he keeps thinking about them.

One night, he lies there, awake, couldn’t sleep. Ryan’s not sleeping with him this night, which made his mind wander everywhere, which end up in him hoping that Ryan would be fine.

His mind wouldn’t stop thinking about things that could go wrong, though.

Brendon thinks; what if Ryan was killing himself for real by now? What if Ryan was hurting himself real bad and killed himself accidentally? The thought made him shake, and then the tears would appear and it won’t stop, it won’t stop for what seemed like hours, and then he wanted to die.

But then he tells himself, if Ryan’s a building, then he’s a beautifully-structured building. And then Brendon would be the foundation, which means he has to be strong, or else, Ryan will break.

He doesn’t want Ryan to break.

-x-

Spencer doesn’t know about Ryan.

Yet he knows about Brendon. He was friends with Brendon longer than he was with Ryan, although Spencer was the one to introduce them at first.

Spencer _always_ knows about Brendon.

They haven’t met in a long time, since Spencer was kind of busy with his own college and Brendon was busy trying to keep Ryan alive. So when they finally meet again, Spencer was quick to pull him into a hug.

It almost made Brendon cry.

The hug lasted no longer than a minute, but it felt like years for Brendon. Years of comfort that he couldn’t seem to find these days. And then after they parted, Spencer asked him, “Are you alright?”

Brendon was about to say that yes, he’s fine, that he’s good as always, but he cried instead.

Spencer hugged him again.

-x-

Brendon told Spencer. Not full details, he doesn’t tell about Ryan’s _habits,_ but he told Spencer about things that was bothering him.

Spencer was silent for the whole conversation, but then he sighed and hugged Brendon again, tighter than the previous ones. When he finally speaks, it was an unexpected sentence.

“No one was supposed to be the stronger one in a relationship, Brendon.”

-x-

Brendon doesn’t know what to expect when he came home that day. But of course, he doesn’t expect to find Ryan lying on the bathroom floor, unconscious, drenched with blood.

The hour after that was passed in a blur.

By now he’s sitting in one of the plastic chairs in front of the emergency room, his mind blank. And that was when Spencer came to the hospital.

Spencer didn’t ask, he just sat there beside Brendon and pulled him into a hug.

Brendon allowed himself to cry.

-x-

“I should have told him that I know, Spencer, I should have told him. I should have told him to stop.”

“He said he loved me, Spence, why does he still want to leave me? Am I not good enough?”

“I love him, Spencer. I love him so much; I want him to stop, why doesn’t he stop?”

Brendon doesn’t know how long he cries, and he doesn’t want to know. Spencer was silent the whole time, not saying anything.

And when Brendon’s tears stopped, Spencer says in a shaky voice, “It’s your job to talk it out with Ryan, Brendon. I can’t help.”

-x-

Ryan was still unconscious, but he was still alive. That’s a relief.

Brendon couldn’t stop crying, though. And by now, he doesn’t even try to stop. Spencer had left an hour ago, since he had to take care of things back home, but he promised to come in the morning.

Brendon sat there, beside Ryan’s hospital bed, his fingers tracing the bandages on Ryan’s wrists, and lets his tears flow.

He drifts off to sleep not long after.

-x-

When Brendon opened his eyes, he almost closed them again because there were so much light in the room, but then he realized that it’s probably morning already. He slept in an uncomfortable position on the chair, and his eyes felt swollen. And that was kind of expected, though; since he’d been crying ever since he found Ryan.

When he lifted his gaze from his lap, though, he was surprised to see that Ryan’s awake.

And Spencer was there too, standing on the other side of the hospital bed. For some reason, they both looked a little bit guilty, but then Spencer excuses himself for a while before patting Brendon’s shoulder.

As soon as they were alone, Ryan broke the silence with “I’m sorry, Bren.”

He shouldn’t cry, really. He should be strong, but he can’t. He felt tears starting to form in his eyes, dripping down without any permission from him. And then, Ryan spoke again, “I should’ve known that I made you sad.”

This time, Brendon allowed himself to cry in front of Ryan.

-x-

They talked about it.

It wasn’t a pretty conversation, as to be expected. There were a lot of tears and hugs here and there. But they talked it out, about things that Brendon never told Ryan before, about his thoughts, about _things_. Spencer never came back from whatever he told them earlier, but that’s fine, Brendon’s fine and he could talk about this with Ryan.

And in the end, Ryan thanked Brendon. Brendon doesn’t know what for, actually, but then Ryan elaborated it. He thanked Brendon for being there; he thanked Brendon for being honest; he thanked Brendon for being strong for him. Then he promised to stop, and made Brendon promise to help him when he got dark thoughts.

“And I’m sorry that I made you think that I don’t love you, Bren. I love you, really. I love you so much.”

Brendon cried again, but this time, it was happy tears.


End file.
